Stress and me..

"F&^* this exam" are one of the thousands swear words hurled, deliberately stressed to stress (note the pun) ourselves in Hons. room. Perhaps it's the human nature to swear when they can't take it anymore, or maybe we just so like to swear a lot.

I wasn't stress for the exam until today..In fact after my sweet exam this morning, I was on the verge of celebratory mood. Well, not really in "party" mode. Then came Leo the Overlord! :P..
Don't mistaken me for blaming him, in fact I'm thankful he comment on some (and many) mistakes I've made. I just wanted to tell you he came at the wrong time, at the wrong place. I was summoned to his office, and there it all begun.

If you've felt your body temperature suddenly rose, and you feel like suffocated, that's how I exactly felt it that time. I won't go to the gory details of mind torture he gave me, but it's enough to tell you the impact on me. I was so full, that I broke down in front of him and cried like a baby. I wasn't aware it was a shameful thing to do, but all and all I care less bout em. I think he was dumbfounded, and perhaps felt a little bit guilty. He said he's sorry, and all I can say is it's not normal for me to make obvious mistakes like those. It's perhaps the many many changes and S*** (there we go again, a swear word!) to be redone, while at the same time coping with tons of assignments that swarm like it's the end of the world(well, it was the end of semester, if that connects to something.). Stupid Jess does stupid things eh?

So, after calming myself down a bit, I left the office, and returned to the office. My concern friends were asking if I am okay as I took a seat. I was trying to tell them the discussion with Leo calmly. Well, it was just for a while, I thought I could go on. I broke down again, and this time they're a bit worried, and have no idea how to deal with crying girl I suppose. So all they did was sit there and say it wasn't that bad.

Now come to think of it, as I sat down writing this blog, I felt I am being paranoid with all these high expectations that I build up for myself. Don't know why I am pushing myself this hard, and when things get really hard, all I can do is cry. Twas stupid, and I think it's STUPID JESS' nature to do STUPID things.

Some people do nasty things when they're stressed, and if I in anyway being nasty to you in the coming few days (forecasting at least 2 weeks from now), then I apologise in advance. I'll try to stick with crying instead of cursing and swearing at people. I'd rather ashame myself, rather than make people hurt.

conGRADUATION on your BIG DAY!

I graduated today..Bachelor of Science, at the Ceremony 5 1.15pm, graduand number 139, at Auckland Town Hall..
After years of stint and tough fight (literally on exam days!!), finally I was awarded with this piece of paper that they claimed to have lifespan of 500 years.. So, somewhat I can imagine my legacy and saga continue for my future generations..
It was a good sunny day, and a happy occasion with close friends that I am truly grateful for. To acknowledge them..here goes the list(on no particular order or preferences--actually I take that back, it depends on who comes to my mind first)
1) My Dudu as always: She's there when things really get out of control, and when I don't have pocket to put my stuff. And yes, for the 3 beautiful SUNFLOWERS!! It's like getting a proposal from Jane to get married upon seeing the bouquet! (oh! don't worry bout spoiling the feeling, cause i foresee a diamond ring to go with a bouquet of flowers from Jane)
2) Asline, QiSu and Ah Jie: Endurance and relentless effort put through the 8 hours night sleep in the bus, and flying back down at wee hour in the morning. I am truthfully touched, not many, if any, would do things like they've done to me now. To Aslina, HAPPY GRADUATION too, indeed it's the best choice ever--SPRING GRADUATION! Ingatan tulus ikhlas and penghargaan to the 3 of you!!!
3) Post-Graduate Physics 2008: Aaron, Keith, Ka Fai, Jason, Simon, Katie, Steffen, Sarah, Joe--This year will always be memorable to me, not only meeting awesome PHYSICISTS like you all, but also the warm friendship bond we've! And thanks to the grad present too..totally kick ASS man!
4) Leo and Sam: Okay, these two guys are often serious when it comes to physics, but really they're real nice people! And pictures to follow as soon as I uploaded my memory card contents to let you know just what I mean by PHYSICISTS:Behind the scenes..
5) My ex-classmates since 2005: Keith, Elliot, Alastair--I am fortunate when it comes to having friends that welcomed me like me, right from the start of the day I stepped into uni..
6) Random people at Gina's Pizza & Bar: For the excellent Italian food, for the excellent service, and very friendly people working there--caught me by surprise with the candle on the ice cream, with a song that tunes like birthday song, but I reckoned it's saying something like HAPPY GRADUATION! And those patrons who actually clapped and congratulated me.. I'm very indeed touched!
7) My Juniors: Sarah and Wanie, thank you for the time and wishes and flower too! I'm..speechless I shall say!
8) To the absent friends and family: Had you been here with me on my BIG DAY, I'm even more elated. But it's the thoughts that matter the most, and I am channelling my thanks and gratitude in somewhat a phsycic way as well :)
My mission next is to upload these pictures here, Facebook, Friendster!

Love Letter..

Happy birthday my Malaysia

With age comes wisdom and insights, my love.

It had been wonderful years to be with you, no, more than wonderful!

I am confessing I’ve always fall in love with you from the day I’ve breath in that

minty flavored air of you. Your smell lingers around me, even when I’m now on miles away from you. I miss you, when we’re both young. Callous feet of mine running around your soil, your deep blue sea reflecting Sun’s golden rays of hope and new day upon my window, your as far as my eyes can see greenery lush surrounding me.. I miss all those.

But why is it that as we grow older, we seem to be parting my love? Why is it, that I can no longer recall passionate moments that we should’ve been sharing at this time, that I was once contented with swelling pride just by looking at you, disgusted and angry at your pathetic state nowadays? Where had we gone wrong my love?

Why did you let a bunch of bogus self-proclaimed leaders steer your sight into racial lenses? Why can’t you see me as I am, united in one with you? How can you pollute your own breaths with corruptions and political gimmicks? Did you not know that it’s killing both of us? When you let them squandering our childhood treasures for their sakes, of beautiful forests, of deep oil wells, of everything we promised to share, did you forgot about me? Did you turn your back on me, still walking barefooted to school, while letting them buy their own jet planes with our funds? Why my love, why?

I missed you, all this time. I long for our good old days, I want them so bad that I wish I can turn back the clock, and make time immemorial. Please don’t let them take you away from me. I want to shut their vociferous racist comments on me, cover your ears and don’t listen to them, but me. I want to break their sleek masks and strip out their unworthy positions, so close your eyes and only believe in me. They’re imposters, bound to make you consent their acts of greediness for your love for them. Stop this unnecessary sacrifice my love, come back to me and we can start afresh again. I’m waiting for you, with love, always.

Congratulations to my hero, Lee Chong Wei..

Dear Chong Wei,

It's truly a night to remember, to anticipate each point you're working hard to earn, not only for you, but for the rest of 26 million Malaysians, wherever we may be on this planet.
To the world, you maybe the silver medalist of men's single badminton in Beijing, but to me (and all of us) you're our golden boy! 41 minutes of straight 2 games outplayed by Lin Dan are no measure of your determination to win for us. You're indeed our truly hero, that someone we can talk about in years to come, proudly!

Although it's disheartening to see our contingent performance in Olympic, you somewhat turn the music on, giving me reason to rummage through Olympics' webpage before starting anything every day you're in action. Every tiny details counts, and it propelled me to make sure I equipped myself with badminton schedules and results every hour. Such is my addiction, budding because of you!

I want to say thank you, thank you a zillion time, sincerely for sharing with us moments of glory, every atom from your piece of Silver with us, for bringing the whole Universe attention to Malaysia for those particular games you've played. Raising hope for a medal, and eventually getting one, is anything but ordinary course you've given us.

Though I may not be of the 200 fans that welcomed you with claps, flowers, kompangs, etc at KLIA today, from afar, I've applause for your breakthrough in the Olympics. Wishing you every best of the best on future tournaments, my hero!

Footnote(a slight detour/divergence from our focus on our hero):

Unlike our current political drifts in the country that's getting more and more ridiculous to follow(from the UMNO's Puteri being fondled on nomination day, to the oath on Holy Quran by a self-published gay, to the immense momentum of PKR unseating BN in few days, to the demonstrations by bigots and chauvinists on a certain person idea to open up a forum about religions, glitches and class wagging caused by some self-proclaimed students of higher learning institution in order to oppose somebody's mere idea on relinquishing privilege of education to other equal Malaysians, to the..wait, I suppose it's "improper" for me to say more--it's splodges all over the regions media!), and eventually anybody would want to puke on upon catching a glimpse on the headlines, taking shelter in keeping abreast Olympics Games is such a relief of being sane again. Who would ever know how to award points for fencing, for example, had it not been a sweet escape from the lame stage of collection of retarded politicians picking on each other?

On this day..

Mend a quarrel.
Search out a forgotten friend.
Dismiss suspicion, and replace it with trust.
Write a love letter.
Share some treasure.
Give a soft answer.
Encourage youth.
Manifest your loyalty in a word or deed.
Keep a promise.
Find the time.
Forego a grudge.
Forgive an enemy.
Listen.
Apologize if you were wrong.
Try to understand.
Flout envy.
Examine your demands on others.
Think first of someone else.
Appreciate, be kind, be gentle.
Laugh a little more.
Deserve confidence.
Take up arms against malice.
Decry complacency.
Express your gratitude.
Worship your God.
Gladden the heart of a child.
Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth.
Speak your love.
Speak it again.
Speak it still again.
Speak it still once again.

P/S: I've gotten this from a friend who gave me a simple,nice book marker, and thought of sharing it with you. I think they're too beautiful for me to keep alone :)

Malaysian Education System: Too Good To Be True?

Today, while surfing through Malaysia Today website, I've come across this particular blog entry http://www.mpkapar.com/manikavasagam/posts/msian-edu-systemnot-good-enough/ . Here's your first task (if you're Malaysian), browse through it.

Now that you have read it, good! The next one will be, read mine.

What I am going to write hereafter (I promise), is nothing like political debates as of the blog I've given you link to. I had gone through 11 years of Malaysian Education System (MES) and I'm sure there's good toss of pros and cons there. I'm not, at all, against parents opting for their children to pursue education of different language medium, even different environment studies. I believe it shows how caring and hardworking are parents in giving their children the best they could. Excellent education is their top priority, no question asked.

Almost a decade ago, our far-sighted PM Tun Mahathir see the need to revamp and re-brand our education accordingly to the world's need. Teach Science and Maths in English, we're told. Heaps of effort had gone to improve and optimize not only of teaching materials, but also attracting teachers' time and 'extra-mile' duty. Later last year, then there's this hoo-ha about REVISING this idea of English-instruction medium proposed by our very own Education Minister. By end of this year, the ministry will DECIDE on whether to go on with it, or not. The reason? The rural kids can't catch up with the urban youngs. Not only of lame excuse, but also impertinent to nation development, hampering us to compete with the rest of the world. Sure, some may say countries like Japan, South Korea, China (within our neighborhood) thrived and proved themselves despite their education being taught in their respective mother tongues. But may I add, hard-work had nothing to do with our instruction medium. These countries advance fast forward because they don't compromise with their plans, and what about us? We staggered in the middle of journey.

As Prof. Khoo Khay Kim of University Malaya expressed in one of his articles that I've come across, today Malaysian universities are expected to 'produce' employable graduates for the country work force, not so much of gaining and making use of the knowledge taught in real life. Universities had lost their respectable titles, of place to obtain ongoing knowledge and undepleting resource of human minds advancement, and most departments are geared towards conferring certificates to shoot up candidates employment possibility. My favorite columnist in The Star, Azmi Sharom in his forth nightly columns agree with Khoo in his article 'Producing First Class Human Capital'. In this view of blaming education in universities as reason for their graduates unemployable, I'm not in favor of it. University is there for you to further your studies on something that should strike the most to you as mysteries. It is not there for popular demands on job-tickets. Dazzling as it could be, we could graduate from top university in the world, but we cannot pretend to be knowledgeable. A piece of paper from any university in the world can't really fool anyone of our intelligence, and obviously we cannot fake maturity and smartness when our actions indicate otherwise. So actions speak louder than certificates in-terms of securing our future job.

Our schools had had achieved something at international plateau. We've had our talented youngs, educated locally, won prestigious awards such as Promising Young Scientist by Intel couple of years back, and many other that I'm not aware of. We've bright scholars spread all over the country, all we need is just some collecting job and polishing these talents to maximise outputs. I personally known a bright girl who's a National Silver Medal Award holder for Physics, at 15 years old, came from sekolah pondok far up in Kelantan. We're not short of geniuses (contrary to some top ministers said in newspaper over dinner galas), but we're handicapped in finding them and that's sad.

In my humble opinion, the saddest thing about our education is that it's too exam oriented. A's are all mattered, below those grades simply un-acceptable. Who had not heard of a 12 years old girl hanged herself to death after discovering she'd scored 4A and an E in UPSR last year? Every year, we've top SPM scholars getting more and more A's, by folds from the previous year. With limited number of universities, we can't accommodate all students ranging from different areas of interest. What happened is then, they only select a quota of A's students (mostly of science or business edu background) to enter uni, leaving most of the Arts students behind. To add to injury, much these A's students also don't have much of choice of what they want to pursue, they're simply given the choice between the devil and the deep blue sea:take what we give you, or leave it. What kind of diabolical attitude is that, I wonder if that's almost violating human rights!

Now, my vote is against the ministry to revert back to Bahasa Malaysia teaching of Science and Maths. If for any reason, government whole-heartedly accept the notions that English-medium is obstructing learning advancement, I would not hesitate in pursuing education of my children in the future to English schools (Singapore is the closest I could think of), because I have lost confidence in MES, just as the 2 ministers aforementioned had done to their kids.

I will now start reading biographies of famous and talented scientists of the world, to seek nature of their education backgrounds. Einstein's proved to be able to just manage to pass through a polytechnic, secured a patents clerk job, while writing 4 monumental papers that revolutionized space and time dimensions in Physics, galvanizing his name in Science, resounding his ingenious notions in the community for centuries to come.

life as a physicist: not fun after all..

okay, you heard me, loud and clear! not so fun after all.. that's probably a more valid reason why i hadn't been writing for a month now..wait, a MONTH?? no way!!
sad thing, i'm not getting where i supposed had to be in my progress.. there's this, what do you call it? HINDRANCE, (not hindraf!) in advancement! how very undiplomatic physics can be, i mean, i think i've been a good friend to it, this time it's playing trick on me! how bad can a bad physics be? trust me, when you strained your 2 precious eyes on super-luminous "excited gas" (commercial name: plasma) screen, furiously typing down programming language that only non-human (laymen term: robot) can understand, experiencing thinning head due to overcomsumption of "what's and where's had i done wrong?", yet nothing comes physically sensible to your centuries old theories (that means you either conjure new theories of your own, possibly crooked, or your experiments data are all flawed!). ah..no, it's not fun at all!
but let's leave that behind for now, and talked about something else.. about a book that my Dudu happened to lend me (actually that's not true, i told her if she doesn't want me dead by the time breaks over, get me a book to read. she came up with 2 books--LOTR, and the one that i'm going to talk about in a wee while, to save me from STOOW--self throwing out of window)
written by exceptional scientist, Robert Winston, "The Human Mind:and how to make the most of it", is one of the rarest books that can really engage me while i'm lying down on bed, making my head (and so are my eyelids) refused themselves to fall into the prey of dozing off. i've got some other books that i'd like to share, but nevermind that for now. i want to talk about this particular book, and you ought to continue to read me!
weaved through 9 chapters altogether,Winston arranged each of the chapter built-up based of the one before it. i started with chapter 2, turning pages until references, glossary and index within 2 nights. why no chapter 1? it's a bit too technical for me, i can't be bothered. for those of you who want to understand your own brain, and a bit of others, how to make and come to your sane senses, how to avoid that caffein-lacking syndrome of early lectures and 2pm lectures, how you love, and being in love, i think this is it!
he writes it with charisma, that doesn't only leave you in daze, but upon finishing it, you would come to your senses, what a unique person are you! it's written with scientific researches and findings as it's wallpaper, while he adds some colors here and there to make it understandable for layman, spotlights where he wants to show us dark matter here and there, even dimming the focus on some so as to prevent us from reading too much into samples of his chosen articles. i'd say it's an argot from its topic, that only certain people can fathom WTH he's talking about, but i'm certainly very wrong. really, it's worth it, the time (and the money too i suppose, although i'm going to haunt for a second-hand one, here's too expensive to buy it--i can have 3 meals with a price of a book), and the knowledge you gain from it, to put it in Mastercard's way "PRICELESS"! it's only more or less 200 pages, and certainly more promising and socially acceptable than those mangas you've been loyally devoted for!
herein, that's why you see me completing my entry for this month. i'm alive, well and nourished (both brain and body), and hope to grow better tommorrow! let's hope that, and work hard for it. i've seen it somewhere: aim for the star, had it shoots lower than that, there's always tree top to land. how very appropriate! maybe it's time for a change-life as a psychologist:PRICELESS!, right Dudu?

life as a physicist : terahertz

Appropriately, it's already 2 weeks since I last wrote something down in my blog. And really, I made it a point and reward myself to pen down (not literally) my thoughts every forthnightly. I was busy preparing for exams and all that sort the last 2 weeks, finally had one (2 more to go!!) this morning...gone my good old days with Principle of Lasers and Mode-Locking! Okay, I am now going to write something about my research and project that I do for a living (LOL!) this year.

When we started to educate ourself with the physics of things around us, first thing we want to understand is how light behaves. Then, from there we start digging out dirt and all sort of yucky behaviors of light, term them with this and that theories. So we have established ourself with the notion that light is wave, that has this speed c (predicted by J.C Maxwell) constant all over the universe (interestingly, back in the 1900's lotsa people trying to disprove this--making measurement to prove the presence of the so called luminous ether wind. None succeed). Light as laymen see it is the only visible part of whole spectrum of LIGHT, lots of other regimes invisible to naked eyes with properties that some of us maybe familiar with today--microwave,x-ray--to name a few. So the part that I currently researching and do stuff in it is the TERAHERTZ waves, (tera meaning to the power of 12) or so called the sub milimeter regime. If you look closely on the light spectrum, it is squished in between UV (ultraviolet) and IR (infra-red) regime. It's pretty narrow, and hence hardly we've heard of it. The birth of THz around 10 years ago perhaps justify the fact that not so many reasearch done on it worldwide. Infact, googling through uni library catalogue only yields one reference book on it.

To start with, let me give you an overview of what actually this THz stuff is all about (although I know your middlename is Wikipedia-addict). With naked eyes, we cannot see it, the same as invisibility of microwave in a microwave oven. To see it, we need special eyepiece to make our eyes more sensitive to THz radiations. In my lab, I had the privilege of having a binocular that enable me to look at it. It appears green in color through that particular binocular. It's pretty awesome, in that I can view IR light that pump photoconductive semicondutor GaAs that produce the THz wave at the same time--red and green, like Christmas tree and Santa Claus. It's harder to produce than that of producing microwave and IR-waves, because as I said earlier it's only a narrow slab in between them. Tweaking by small amount either by factor of tens, we'll end up with microwave or IR. What makes THz waves stunning is that they don't give us human radiation effects at all, while maintaining that absorption power on water (like microwaves). I'm not too sure if it won't heat up things though, since setups in the lab only allow unidirectional flow of energy (unlike in spinning microwave oven), but so far I had THz waves goin through my lens collimators and samples for 8-10 hours a day, without fire drills turned on. I, together with Sam, a graduate student who's been working on the area for almost 2 years now, supervised by Leo, collaborating with Alexis, from ANU are all looking for ways to transmit this THz waves somewhere far (hopefully by meters :P), because like its neighbour microwave, they suffer attenuation passing through air due to the small content of water vapour in it.

So Alexis designs and fabricates samples of waveguides in OZ for THz transmission, and we run test on them here in NZ. Those are Zeonex waveguides that I've been testing on, designed from Silica-Strained-Model (used in optical telecommunication fiber) to transmit THz. It's pretty modest lengths that we've been covering so far--2cm and 4cm--yet the outgoing power from one end of the fiber measurement shows substantially reduced transmission. Only getting out 14% of input THz energy with 4cm so far, the outcomes urge for a more robust design of waveguides and new less-dispersive material as waveguides. I know it doesn't look as good yet, but I'm pretty confident I'm learning something from it, like how to be patience on the screwed results :P. Frankly speaking, the problem is not mine alone, that in many scientific community around the globe are also facing it. Recent journal article reports that with HDPE waveguides, their measurement limited to 1.5cm length and already transmission output around 18%. So, I would rank, and quoting Leo, we're pretty a step ahead of them. :P. To physicists, it's important to be a step ahead of the rest, but not more than that since that'll mean you'll get lost easily, and fall behind of the advancing team after they learnt your mistakes, as closely as I could remember from a lecture given years ago by Carl Wiemann, 2001 Nobel Laureate in Physics, here at my proud uni. I think that's pretty true, although the selfish flavour it adds makes me a little bit grumpy.

In that way, THz is pretty lagging behind, but the world has already started to earn benefits on THz imaging and scanning. From astronomical imagings, to chemical and image scannings, THz techniques had been so advanced that they're now making their way to commercial value in airport/luggage security checks, agricultural sectors and medical scannings (is said to soon replace x-ray). And perhaps, there are more to comes in the coming years. Looking back at the invention of lasers back in the 60s, the guys didn't know what to do with it, except excited that it works! But look at today, everywhere, almost instantaneously application of lasers! I'm optimistic, sooner or later, THz will gain popularity, just like lasers.

That's about it for my research project, and I'm enjoying it really, although some days it makes my hair tangled up. Come to think about it, I'm left with few months now to enjoy my days with physics people here at uni. I love them so much, especially my funny classmates and estranged phsycologist among us (hehe..). I love funny Leo and Sam, all the most for putting up with my why's and "explain again" cues. I may not be someone that they might remember in their careers later, but to me their invaluable comments and all pave my way deeper into physics, and truly grateful to have them. Even if physics is going to be harder than it is now later, I never regret taking it up, meeting all these wonderful people along. How will my life begin when my university days over, and I am sent back home end of this year? Have you had that feeling that you belong to this country, and you want so much to stay with it? My love for physics strengthen here in NZ, and I am falling for this country despite its ruralness. Maybe it's physics, or something else?

Kotobian Tadau Tagazo Do Kaamatan

"Selamat Hari Besar Kaamatan" is the direct translation of my post title, in Kadazan language. Perhaps, many if not all of friends of mine out there, not originating from Sabah in particular, wonder what do we, the Kadazans (and Dusuns), do on this day?
To start with, I myself have very limited experience when it comes to the "rituals" done on Kaamatan day. Perhaps the reason being is one that my family (both paternal and maternal) do not practice nor participate in those rituals anymore due to religious reason. Another reason is that they've made Kaamatan day valued to more of a commercial festival, that we the young and stupid completely unaware of the traditions, whilst originally it was supposed to be of worship of only particular people participating it. These days, or even from years back as far as my memory can stretch, people of all sort of color and beliefs converge and celebrate this special day.
But anyway, I am trying to share my rare experience with you, of watching how real Kadazans celebrate Kaamatan a decade ago (yes, I am that old!). I happened to have a long-distant relative that still practice this back then, I doubt if they're still now though.
To recite back, only "chosen" people can actually conduct and participate actively in its rituals. These chosen people, are usually old, wise ladies leaders and several other middle ages women and men followers to my recall. In one occasion, it's okay to have 2 simultaneous "leaders" in rituals at the same place. This place where rituals took place is usually paddy field, or somewhere near to your harvest. In contrast to the potrayals of "harvesting session" as in Kaamatan's Feast (be it district level, state level, or national level), all participants need not wear that well known "black+gold" attire. As long as you're clothed, then that's good enough (or else it won't be Kaamatan!!). The number of people involved in this ritual usually a dozen, more or less. Also, the date, or which month is it doesn't matter, as long as you're harvesting your harvest. So May 31st, is not a definite day for Kaamatan really.
Now that I've prepared you with the technical details of it, lets start grinding on the process of the ritual itself. So it starts with the leader(s) chanting some ancient, memorised prayers, while the rest meditate on it. Why I say it's ancient, it's because I myself can't even fathom what they're praying. This goes on for maybe half-an hour or so, I guess it depends on how quickly the leaders spit out the prayers :). However, please do not read too much into my 12 years old mindset speculation, I could be dead wrong at that time. Unfortunately really, I never knew what sort of prayers do they whispers, nor did I bother to ask until now. Maybe it's high time to get to know more of my own tribe cultures!
Anyway, lets go on! Then the followers will start singing and, some of the ladies chant prayers (at this junction, I am not quite sure if they're merely repeating what the leaders said, or they're adding more prayers, or even replied to what leaders had just said) while some of them at the same time prepared "sirih and tobacco" put in a special brass plate in the middle of the circle where they sit. Long chantings, and all that maybe lasted for another half-an hour or so. This is just another boring 'prologue' you may think for now, but wait!
So here comes the interesting part. The leader(s) will now sit in the middle of the circle, whispering something while rearranging those things on the plate. At the same time, followers will stand and start moving (I wasn't sure if there's any prefered direction, i.e. clockwise or anti-clockwise) slowly, circling the leaders. Then, the leaders will sing in loud, high pitch voice something, while the rest start doing that ever famous Sumazau dance within the circle. Many movements here that I cannot really find enough words to describe to you how captivating was it that time. All and all, it has taken me back, and the aura is still here this moment!
After they're done with this, the leaders will go out of the circle, grab a Saging (a leaves-woven basket) to head off to the field. At this juncture, the followers will sit down and silently chant some prayers, and one or two of them will leave to follow the leaders. This is yet another best part of it, because I had the honor of trailling behind these ladies to the field since I was the Gambit (a hand-made hook, that is used to cut harvest) carrier. So, what do we do in the middle of the field? The leaders is ought to chose seven 'ruvang' of paddy, deemed to her out of the area of the harvest. Ruvang is the word used, and I can't fnd a good translation of that in English, so let me explain it as much details as I could. When you have grains grown out, you will chose the best according to how strong the grains held to its branches (this to represent that you have excellent elements e.g. soils water etc, that can support your harvest), thickness of the branches (this to represent that you have taken much care of your harvest, from its early growth to its harvest time), and also numbers of paddy grains in one branch (to represent that in order to 'return your good deeds', grains blessed you with heaps of them to sustain your wellbeing). The reason of the numbers of ruvang chosen to be seven is unknown to me, and I reckon it's best to leave it unanswered to preserve its sacredness. These 7 ruvangs will be kept until next season for paddy planting start again. These grains of ruvang are supposed to be mixed with the grains that you are going to plant, so as to keep the blessing for this season continued to the next.
So, we head back to the hut, or the place where the rest are waiting for us, wrapped the 7 ruvang with leaves from the wild (not specific), and they finish off the rituals with 5-10 minutes more prayers, and off we go..Kaamatan Feast! :). Once this is done, tomorrow, or as early as you can, gather as much people as you can to harvest your bountiful, blessed paddy!
Now, you may wonder, where does this Unduk Ngadau Huminodun play her role in the rituals? Because it was believed that all grains that sustained our life originate from parts of her body, her role is seminal in our harvest. She sacrificed herself for the good of the people, not wanting to see more and more innocent and helpless person dies because of hunger. She had asked her Father, Kinoihingan, with his power to transform her into source of food to keep people alive. Being a farmer's daughter, I have had always been reminded that one grain of rice, not eaten and thrown away, Huminodun cried heaps for her selfless sacrifices not being appreciated by the people that she's willing to die for to save. And today, I wish to spread out this reminder to you out there, everytime we waste a grain of anything (be it rice, corn etc), somebody else crying for food that she/he had never gotten the chance to taste. How ungrateful have we been!
I have many pros and cons of the celebration that we've back in Sabah today. It's a good thing that they're honoring it, and even putting it on calendar as a public holiday for families far and apart to unite and feel the festive mood. Indeed I have absolutely no complaints about how attractive today is compared to other ordinary days, when we all come together to appreciate other's diversity in culture. What I personally distaste of is the way Kaamatan Festival being rebranded more of a 'search of the Huminodun' every year. Yes, exactly that Beauty Pageant contest that irked me the most. The 'criteria' for the 'Huminodun' title is that she must be this and that and all. Not only it exploits women (today, you can have few parts of Unduk Ngadau: night gowns, traditional costumes, bikinis etc), it is that it degrade 'Huminodun' true spirit in many ways. One that I can think of is that a real Huminodun need not be judge by her appearances, nor her education backgrounds, nor her competency level in terms of current and general knowledge (mind you, these are all 'tested' in the Sabah Level Kaamatan Festival every year!), but solely for her fight to help and improve others' lives. So instead of having beautiful girls (I absolutely have no problems with them:P) parading for few hours to win the title 'Unduk Ngadau', what the committee should do is go around, up, down and under the state, look for the real Huminodun that had always been there to provide and support others with all means that she could got hold onto. Honor these Huminoduns, that had always been the pivot for other helpless people to get on with their lives. To me, what makes a person Huminodun is solely her pure heart that believes in emphasizing others' comfort, bring joy to her own being regardless of the hassles that she has to go through. And yes, there are many Huminoduns out there, deserving merit, yet their limelights were stolen.

Selamat Hari Guru

Teacher’s day had just past yesterday. I completely missed it, only when I read an article from one of the online portals I realized Teacher’s Day. Today, I want to share my story to you, my favorite teachers.

To start with, I shall mention to you that I, among countless others back in my hometown (and state to be specific) never had the chance to enter kindergarten/pre-school/nursery classes prior to my Primary 1 back in 1990. Poveryt is one major thing, but among other lacking of schools, distances and expensive fees nip the idea of going to suck classes in the bud. I started without knowledge to write, read, but some basic counting skills (thanks to my mum who always charge me with counting her vegetables’ beds) on the day I first step to my old, dilapidated school (it was back then, and still is now). It was then, that I had a privilege taught by a very patience, caring and lovely lady, Mrs Aminah. With long curly hair, almond-shaped eyes, welcoming smile on her lips every now and then, clad with baju kurung, I fell in love with her the moment she called out my name sweetly for attendance, and memories of her still remained to this day. My first day at school was spent on coloring the drawing that she drew for me-my name. Looking back now, I feel helpless at the thought of losing that very precious drawing. It meant so much to me now, but an exhilarated girl of 7 years old had no idea of the future awaits her back then. I remained incapable of writing my own name, leave alone alphabets the first 3 months, only my math advances by leaps. Perhaps I shouldn’t be proud about it, but I must really tell you that I’ve got as far as sifir 5 in my head within that 3 months, sharp and precise (I cleared sifir 12 by the end of Primary One, but months of holiday got my brain rusty that I got to restart from sifir 5)!:P

So anyway, Mrs Aminah coached me to my writing and reading at the same time, I guess I’ve put lotsa energy to it, I was only troubled by writing S. So instead of looking like S, it looked like 2, hence my name spelt with “numbers” in it. I enjoyed being her tail. I go everywhere she goes, like when she needed to go to staffroom to get something, I’ll as fast as lightning volunteer myself to go there as well, always with the same excuse “saya mahu tolong cikgu angkat kotak/buku”. She becomes my mother at school, and sometime my mum will boil soups/desserts or pluck her fresh veges from the garden for me to bring to school and give it to Mrs Aminah. Such lovely times don’t last forever though, when I, 8 years old, shocked to find out that she’s transferring to another school, in another area, another part of Sabah. I remember I cried until I fell asleep the night after she’s gone. I’ve lost the world, I said to myself. Her words were still afresh “Belajar bagus bagus”, today.

After a devastating period of losing her, I eventually managed to pull out myself and able to go on with my “life” at school. Many teachers came, but none really I felt as close as to her. Most of them are good teachers, yet there’s something lacking between me and them: human warmth, the First Quality that a teacher/educator should have. Of thousand people that I want to meet before I leave the world, I want to put her on top priority, and I wish and pray that I would meet her, and hope that she recognizes me still.

That was my primary school life, lets embark on secondary school life-I must tell you that it took quite a long time before I fell for 2 teacher about the same time, yes-both are men!:P. Which one shall I tell you first? Since the 2 of them influence much of what I am today, I guess I start with my Physics teacher, Mr. Rohit. Very stern-looking guy, voted most muscular guy in the whole school (rumours had it that if you’re to touch his shoulder, you’ll feel stainless steel muscles!), exceptionally brilliant teacher (always-no notes, textbooks etc every time he entered a class, teach physics by heart!), and-ah yes!-I forgot to mention that most girls would trade the world to get his smile. So, what’s so special about him? Second Quality a teacher must have: Encourage stimulating thoughts in your students. Being in science school, with heck a lot of geeks and nerds (forgot to mention the beauties as well!), it’s easy to train yourself to excel in exams, but not so when it comes to revolutionizing your way of understanding of a subject. He made me realize this, that a stamped A on exam paper is no way of measuring how mentally challenged I am. So often, if I got any doubts over some however small, petty thing is, he’s ready to guide, but not spoon-fed me. Yes, he’s the reason why I so love physics, and everything about it. I consulted him with regard to my choice of studying further in this subject prior to my stepping to uni, and you bet that “stimulating thoughts” still kick in!

Lets move onto Guru, the one that I respect so much all my life. He’s a great narrator, a very convincing story-teller, with heart full of humors. To sum up: Know his stuff like the back of his hand, Third Quality a teacher must have. In fact my being here, apart from stroke of luck that govt decided to sponsor my studies, was actually a long-sought after dream that he planted in me. All the stories, and experience that he tell tale in the class made me wanting to create history, and add to his collection of outstanding past students whom, some I’ve known owned big brains and bright futures, studied under great gurus, recognized unis, highly acclaimed majors all around the globe.

Now, that I’m here, still in my uni life, I’ve found yet another exemplary teacher, that I reckon must be Fourth Quality an educator must have: Confidence. Prof. Howard (among his CVs that I happened to know from another prof here is that he’s chairman of theoretical physics in quantum optics in the southern hemisphere), had taught me for 3 years now, total up to 3 papers that I’ve been into. Quantum Mechanics 1-3. Not only his confidence in teaching the subject drawn me to fall into “Quantum World”, but also his assurance and guidance kept me on my path to understand, even more better of quantum world. To share one great mystery that excites the whole scientific community in the world with him is one thing, to exchange motivating, ground breaking notions with him is yet another thing, equally balanced and stick me into physics.

These are Quality of a teacher/educator must have to engage one into knowledge, I shall ask for readers choices of qualities that deserve to be invited into one soul that decide to become a candle in the wind, for I am one of those who is more than glad to teach.

Part 1: NZ Camping Trip

This was done in last January together with my beloved, Jane..

Dargaville Opononi
Omapere
Te Paki Sand Dunes

Te Paki Sand Dunes

Te Paki Sand Dunes Taputaputa (4km East of Cape Reinga) Preparing for our tent, before our walk..6km walk started..

After 6km walk..Sunset with beloved..Silica sand beach, Rarawa CoromandelYet another Coromandel

Colville farm, Coromandel Peninsula
Cathedral Cove
In between Cathedral Cove

Huka Falls Scenic Reserve
Stunning Huka Fall (viewed from a bridge)

Crystal blue Waikato River

Mount Ruapehu (Active volcano)
Tongariro National Park

Awesome aren't they? Make sure you stay tuned for the 2nd part :)

life as a physicist : time-reversal

today it rained so heavily, that i've no other choice but to stay at home. i don't have much of the luxury staying, relaxing on sundays this year..work at office demand my constant attention every now and then.. but then again, it's nice to stay and tell you a story today..

i want to tell you sth about physics that really revolutionise the world as you and i see today.. please be warned that if the word "physics" scares you away, i still want to challenge you to stay focus and listen to what i want to say. so here comes...

the subtopic is "time reversal". yes.. you heard me right: time going backward! now, in our days of reckoning, we've never encountered this. some of us have and had wished that we go back to the past and mend some of the mistakes that could have had make a difference in our life today. some, being stubborn and adamant as they always had, swore to their allegiance that even if they've given chances like this once in a lifetime, they'll never resort to changing an iota of their paths (some even add that they'll do the same things again like they've done before). i want to digress a little, and pardon my boldness, what will you want to change in the past, if such oppurtunity given to you? you may or may not want to answer me now, but i'll leave it to your ponder--to me, if i could go back and change my path, i'd change my attitude towards other, especially those who i've been careless and quarrel with. i guess back then i was too "kebudak-budakan" (childish is too mild for my then attitude) to not to appreciate the gap between us. if you think you're one of these people that i've been neglecting at, my sincere apologies.

okay, back to track..where were we? ah yes! the backward time..in quantum physics, we've several operators( a thing that act on our tiny systems) that can be sub-group into two : linear, and anti-linear. when we say linear operator, we mean if it acted on a system it'll yield a linear result. i.e. observables that can be flipped/mirrored but nothing changed. for instance, when we want to measure a rope's length, it doesn't matter which end we start with, both ends give same number. an anti-linear operator like time reversal, is none like this. it's not possible to construct its analogy from our daily encounters, but to weave our imaginations alone on how it should "look like". enough to say that time goes back to the past, and let you imagine..

while you're imagining this, let me take you futher into the topic. i've cheated on you just now by saying that it's not possible to reverse time. it can be done, but only with external forces (man-made) acting on our system. and hence you've heard of "colliders", "particle detectors" etc. so i was right partially because it cannot be done by forces of nature alone. now if you're an astute reader, this is the point you'll raise your hand, and yell at me WE SEE ANTI PARTICLES FROM THESE COLLIDERS!!.. yes! you're right..an anti-particle is the result of this backward time operator acting on our particle (system). a more mature scientist among you, will showers all of us with details : antiparticles are exactly the mirror image of their respective particles, unchanging mass of course. it is said that for every particle that u can name on this Earth, there's its corresponding antiparticle that we cannot see or feel, but the particle itself can see and feel it. Spooky isn't it? Say we take electron as our particle (this is observable everyday..the reason why you've lightning, why you can read me on your petite LCDs, etc), and we call its anti-particle positron (you may have had heard of this somewhat somehow. it's quite a popular particle to talk about). they've same mass, and spin states. but they've opposite charges, and of course time direction.

a more profound effect that these anti particles possessed is that they've negative energy, and hence we cannot see them in nature. to be able to peek through this little particle, we've got to supply energy to them so that they gain more energy, above their energy thresholds, and made themselves visible to us. in a way, you can say that they're very shy, and we've to coerce them to let us take their pictures. so now, have you got their pictures?

on a big scale this very simple idea of reversing time and hence producing anti-particles brought forward many both unfold and fold mysteries. our universe ingredients, black holes, structure of our Sun, some galaxies from afar and so forth. many, if not all, had revolutionise our understanding and appreciations on how complexity of our universe being masked by its beauty. if we concentrate on smaller industries, we find that production of antiparticles, manipulating them yield so much more new particles (and anti-particles of course), some even more exotic that keep us busy adding new rules and theorems into our "particles and antiparticles book keeping". in physics dept at auckland uni, i've a friend who works with "time-reversal of photons" and we often chat and visit each other labs for social activity. i shall tell you about this when he's gotten better results and came to tell me about it, as for now his annoyance is only he couldn't get it working. it's very exciting, especially when they tell you what they've tweaked and the results!! as for my part of research, i deal with much larger length than his, and yet still can fascinate each other! what my research program is, i'm tempted to let you know sooner, but not in this article. i hope you find solace and peace in between until i write again.

so now you see the world slightly different from what it is few minutes ago. that antiparticles travel backward in time. perhaps it's not too much to allude you that you may have your "antiparticle" somewhere, and his/her future is what you called "your past". if your past is tarnished with mistakes that could be avoidable, it may be a good start now to fix it and work for a better future. an easy anology of this is..if we're too laid-back in the past, we should've gotten rid of it by any minute now and work for better future! we shall not want our "antiparticle" to curse us at our backs, yelling "what a wasted FUTURE i've!!!". i can actually hear my spooky "anti particle" throw nasty words at me for having many friends and family uncared for, and now she is left alone with no one to care for. i shall make haste and start working on broken bridge of communication. if you, dear readers, had already resolute aim in minds to amend your mistakes in the past, then this could be the start of it! and for those, whose adamant enough, ponder again..it's never too late to change, how little even, path of our lives.

My 1st Blog

Wait! How old am I? A few months away from my 23rd, and yet this proves to be my first 9and could be the last!) blog I've written! Where have I been living all this while you might ponder? Thanks to Nali, for her 'encouragement' to get me involved in writing something! Man, I felt that this must be the start of something new this year! Me blog-ging!!