Fast, but not good enough

As I sit in front of my computer typing out my thoughts, thinking as fast as I could what's the next word to be typed, frantically re-typing typos made, and re-thinking of another better words to express my incongruent thoughts again.  All these, while may take me a couple of hours to dedicate to lay down my ideas, I wouldn't have mind those hours.  I believe these hours will not ceased into the nothingness, instead as a matter of obvious fact, they will contribute to make better of self-rantings and musings at the same time.  Practice makes perfect, yep!

To learn from a brilliant physicist, Thomas Edison who found one way to make a lightbulb works, yet wasted many ways (thousands of hours!) on how not to get it working.  It's a combination of passion and determination despite pitfalls that championed all odds.  I firmly believe that!

I often complaint, many times of the day in fact, how things are moving slowly, sometimes even slower relative to what my thought experiment (Gedanken Experiment of worse case scenarios) predict they should be.  I become impatient while waiting for the overdue buses to go to my destination, to the extent comparing the total time wasted waiting/hoping/sitting in the bus to the time I would have spent walking/running to the same place.  I became grouchy over the additional minutes I've wasted on the bus, and regretted the thought of taking the bus in the first place.  In my mind, why invent these buses route that seems to take forever?  We're in the 21st century now, it should be fast!  I become restless when my programs takes more than 2 minutes to run on my computer.  Mind you this computer is designed to perform at a rate 3.0 GigaHz, and I expect things to complete in few miliseconds the latest.  I complaint about so and so along the way, how things never improved when they're possible.  I am confident that I am entitled to raise my selfish concerns with sour faces and at the same time probably increase my blood pressure and on the verge of failing my self-devised anger-management strategy.

Yet, I can't complaint on the rate at which I'm disbursing my notions now.  I can't say it's because of the unsupportive surrounding (it's pretty chilly at a moment of this writing), or my ever-stagerring typos, or my inability to find words that matches, clarifies exactly what I think of now.  Every second of this writing counts towards the flavor of this article.  None of them wasted in pursuit of the joy of jotting down, the extreme stretch of brain-storming ideas and words, the glee in my face as I will finally end this.  All I need from now on is a couple of thousands of hours to practice, tens of Hz typing rate (minus typos), full-pledge power to be passionate and enthusiastic about what I want to get across.

I found reading "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins has somewhat altered my view on how influential a religion can be to a cultured human.  To the point of self-destructing oneself, rather than making a person whole, inside out.  Many my fellow friends do not agree with my newly reviewed vision on how a religion works, most of whom I trust, and whom are themselves avid learners of Science and moral philosophy.

The first entry of the year 2009

Okay..
I'm not a regular blogger, and that's shocking!

I'll skip the apologies et all, instead I'll jump to what I want to write now (sorry peeps!)

I've graduated, finally, from my BSc Hons..
I, however, chose the path of "furthering" my studies (when the truth is that I couldn't find a job that I'm passionate about out there).
I was admitted to do a research on the performance of specially design lenses for subwavelength regime (i.e. THz), a research granted by the Min. of Sci & Tech NZ to IRL (industrial research ltd) NZ, subcontracted to UoA. So, here's to make the story short--I'm going to slave myself doing experiments (mostly) for some company commercial purposes. In other words, as a PhD student, all I have to do is spent my 4 years in a lab and I better get decent results. I really hope that's what Physics brings to this wide world! (is it?)
So that gives you rough idea on what I am studying? Good! So far, even the closest family member to me did not understand on whatever it is. I see it from his fake look of interest over my answer. Some even dropped the subject in the middle of the sentence. That much of an alien Physics is to my family, I tell you. I bet my whole wages that none of my school friend ever heard of my research, and I bet you didn't care either. But anyway, I'll just continue to be naive and assume you're interested. :)
Currently I am reading Brian Greene's "The Fabric of the Cosmos". An awesome book on Physics, on the whole for laymen. I bet after you rummage through the book until it's very last page, you'll look up at the stars above and ask yourself "what is it all about?". It's a very captivating book, the writer himself is a physicist, yet describe such subtle matters of modern physics in a way that is observable in our daily lives. I must admit, having studied Physics for more than a decade now, I would never thought of his thinking lines of how space warps, how time froze, general and special relativity in daily encounterances. I bet if I have a 9 year old daughter, she would be amazed on how much she understand her surrounding just by the physics itself. It's lovely, and you should try reading it!

Stress and me..

"F&^* this exam" are one of the thousands swear words hurled, deliberately stressed to stress (note the pun) ourselves in Hons. room. Perhaps it's the human nature to swear when they can't take it anymore, or maybe we just so like to swear a lot.

I wasn't stress for the exam until today..In fact after my sweet exam this morning, I was on the verge of celebratory mood. Well, not really in "party" mode. Then came Leo the Overlord! :P..
Don't mistaken me for blaming him, in fact I'm thankful he comment on some (and many) mistakes I've made. I just wanted to tell you he came at the wrong time, at the wrong place. I was summoned to his office, and there it all begun.

If you've felt your body temperature suddenly rose, and you feel like suffocated, that's how I exactly felt it that time. I won't go to the gory details of mind torture he gave me, but it's enough to tell you the impact on me. I was so full, that I broke down in front of him and cried like a baby. I wasn't aware it was a shameful thing to do, but all and all I care less bout em. I think he was dumbfounded, and perhaps felt a little bit guilty. He said he's sorry, and all I can say is it's not normal for me to make obvious mistakes like those. It's perhaps the many many changes and S*** (there we go again, a swear word!) to be redone, while at the same time coping with tons of assignments that swarm like it's the end of the world(well, it was the end of semester, if that connects to something.). Stupid Jess does stupid things eh?

So, after calming myself down a bit, I left the office, and returned to the office. My concern friends were asking if I am okay as I took a seat. I was trying to tell them the discussion with Leo calmly. Well, it was just for a while, I thought I could go on. I broke down again, and this time they're a bit worried, and have no idea how to deal with crying girl I suppose. So all they did was sit there and say it wasn't that bad.

Now come to think of it, as I sat down writing this blog, I felt I am being paranoid with all these high expectations that I build up for myself. Don't know why I am pushing myself this hard, and when things get really hard, all I can do is cry. Twas stupid, and I think it's STUPID JESS' nature to do STUPID things.

Some people do nasty things when they're stressed, and if I in anyway being nasty to you in the coming few days (forecasting at least 2 weeks from now), then I apologise in advance. I'll try to stick with crying instead of cursing and swearing at people. I'd rather ashame myself, rather than make people hurt.

conGRADUATION on your BIG DAY!

I graduated today..Bachelor of Science, at the Ceremony 5 1.15pm, graduand number 139, at Auckland Town Hall..
After years of stint and tough fight (literally on exam days!!), finally I was awarded with this piece of paper that they claimed to have lifespan of 500 years.. So, somewhat I can imagine my legacy and saga continue for my future generations..
It was a good sunny day, and a happy occasion with close friends that I am truly grateful for. To acknowledge them..here goes the list(on no particular order or preferences--actually I take that back, it depends on who comes to my mind first)
1) My Dudu as always: She's there when things really get out of control, and when I don't have pocket to put my stuff. And yes, for the 3 beautiful SUNFLOWERS!! It's like getting a proposal from Jane to get married upon seeing the bouquet! (oh! don't worry bout spoiling the feeling, cause i foresee a diamond ring to go with a bouquet of flowers from Jane)
2) Asline, QiSu and Ah Jie: Endurance and relentless effort put through the 8 hours night sleep in the bus, and flying back down at wee hour in the morning. I am truthfully touched, not many, if any, would do things like they've done to me now. To Aslina, HAPPY GRADUATION too, indeed it's the best choice ever--SPRING GRADUATION! Ingatan tulus ikhlas and penghargaan to the 3 of you!!!
3) Post-Graduate Physics 2008: Aaron, Keith, Ka Fai, Jason, Simon, Katie, Steffen, Sarah, Joe--This year will always be memorable to me, not only meeting awesome PHYSICISTS like you all, but also the warm friendship bond we've! And thanks to the grad present too..totally kick ASS man!
4) Leo and Sam: Okay, these two guys are often serious when it comes to physics, but really they're real nice people! And pictures to follow as soon as I uploaded my memory card contents to let you know just what I mean by PHYSICISTS:Behind the scenes..
5) My ex-classmates since 2005: Keith, Elliot, Alastair--I am fortunate when it comes to having friends that welcomed me like me, right from the start of the day I stepped into uni..
6) Random people at Gina's Pizza & Bar: For the excellent Italian food, for the excellent service, and very friendly people working there--caught me by surprise with the candle on the ice cream, with a song that tunes like birthday song, but I reckoned it's saying something like HAPPY GRADUATION! And those patrons who actually clapped and congratulated me.. I'm very indeed touched!
7) My Juniors: Sarah and Wanie, thank you for the time and wishes and flower too! I'm..speechless I shall say!
8) To the absent friends and family: Had you been here with me on my BIG DAY, I'm even more elated. But it's the thoughts that matter the most, and I am channelling my thanks and gratitude in somewhat a phsycic way as well :)
My mission next is to upload these pictures here, Facebook, Friendster!

Love Letter..

Happy birthday my Malaysia

With age comes wisdom and insights, my love.

It had been wonderful years to be with you, no, more than wonderful!

I am confessing I’ve always fall in love with you from the day I’ve breath in that

minty flavored air of you. Your smell lingers around me, even when I’m now on miles away from you. I miss you, when we’re both young. Callous feet of mine running around your soil, your deep blue sea reflecting Sun’s golden rays of hope and new day upon my window, your as far as my eyes can see greenery lush surrounding me.. I miss all those.

But why is it that as we grow older, we seem to be parting my love? Why is it, that I can no longer recall passionate moments that we should’ve been sharing at this time, that I was once contented with swelling pride just by looking at you, disgusted and angry at your pathetic state nowadays? Where had we gone wrong my love?

Why did you let a bunch of bogus self-proclaimed leaders steer your sight into racial lenses? Why can’t you see me as I am, united in one with you? How can you pollute your own breaths with corruptions and political gimmicks? Did you not know that it’s killing both of us? When you let them squandering our childhood treasures for their sakes, of beautiful forests, of deep oil wells, of everything we promised to share, did you forgot about me? Did you turn your back on me, still walking barefooted to school, while letting them buy their own jet planes with our funds? Why my love, why?

I missed you, all this time. I long for our good old days, I want them so bad that I wish I can turn back the clock, and make time immemorial. Please don’t let them take you away from me. I want to shut their vociferous racist comments on me, cover your ears and don’t listen to them, but me. I want to break their sleek masks and strip out their unworthy positions, so close your eyes and only believe in me. They’re imposters, bound to make you consent their acts of greediness for your love for them. Stop this unnecessary sacrifice my love, come back to me and we can start afresh again. I’m waiting for you, with love, always.

Congratulations to my hero, Lee Chong Wei..

Dear Chong Wei,

It's truly a night to remember, to anticipate each point you're working hard to earn, not only for you, but for the rest of 26 million Malaysians, wherever we may be on this planet.
To the world, you maybe the silver medalist of men's single badminton in Beijing, but to me (and all of us) you're our golden boy! 41 minutes of straight 2 games outplayed by Lin Dan are no measure of your determination to win for us. You're indeed our truly hero, that someone we can talk about in years to come, proudly!

Although it's disheartening to see our contingent performance in Olympic, you somewhat turn the music on, giving me reason to rummage through Olympics' webpage before starting anything every day you're in action. Every tiny details counts, and it propelled me to make sure I equipped myself with badminton schedules and results every hour. Such is my addiction, budding because of you!

I want to say thank you, thank you a zillion time, sincerely for sharing with us moments of glory, every atom from your piece of Silver with us, for bringing the whole Universe attention to Malaysia for those particular games you've played. Raising hope for a medal, and eventually getting one, is anything but ordinary course you've given us.

Though I may not be of the 200 fans that welcomed you with claps, flowers, kompangs, etc at KLIA today, from afar, I've applause for your breakthrough in the Olympics. Wishing you every best of the best on future tournaments, my hero!

Footnote(a slight detour/divergence from our focus on our hero):

Unlike our current political drifts in the country that's getting more and more ridiculous to follow(from the UMNO's Puteri being fondled on nomination day, to the oath on Holy Quran by a self-published gay, to the immense momentum of PKR unseating BN in few days, to the demonstrations by bigots and chauvinists on a certain person idea to open up a forum about religions, glitches and class wagging caused by some self-proclaimed students of higher learning institution in order to oppose somebody's mere idea on relinquishing privilege of education to other equal Malaysians, to the..wait, I suppose it's "improper" for me to say more--it's splodges all over the regions media!), and eventually anybody would want to puke on upon catching a glimpse on the headlines, taking shelter in keeping abreast Olympics Games is such a relief of being sane again. Who would ever know how to award points for fencing, for example, had it not been a sweet escape from the lame stage of collection of retarded politicians picking on each other?

On this day..

Mend a quarrel.
Search out a forgotten friend.
Dismiss suspicion, and replace it with trust.
Write a love letter.
Share some treasure.
Give a soft answer.
Encourage youth.
Manifest your loyalty in a word or deed.
Keep a promise.
Find the time.
Forego a grudge.
Forgive an enemy.
Listen.
Apologize if you were wrong.
Try to understand.
Flout envy.
Examine your demands on others.
Think first of someone else.
Appreciate, be kind, be gentle.
Laugh a little more.
Deserve confidence.
Take up arms against malice.
Decry complacency.
Express your gratitude.
Worship your God.
Gladden the heart of a child.
Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth.
Speak your love.
Speak it again.
Speak it still again.
Speak it still once again.

P/S: I've gotten this from a friend who gave me a simple,nice book marker, and thought of sharing it with you. I think they're too beautiful for me to keep alone :)