Dejected. Angry. Frustrated.
If you've been rejected before, then the above three items are the emotions that makes us feel, well, rejected. I'm feeling a bit down at the moment, or I should say for the last 2 days. I maybe or maybe not reveal what are the things that bothering me, but I can assure you these are the moments when I feel even more desperate for God to grant to me patience.
Well, to start with I'm not really a very patient person. I usually make decisions on impulse, or blink if that suits me better, sometime act recklessly with myself. In a sum, you'd call me quirky.
Two things that are important in our lives (well, I believed anyway); dream and money. Tonnes of these, the better off our lives are. One of my dreams has been squashed and I'm fully loaded with huge debt (yes, money debt!). And those two things are beyond my control.
What do I do in time like this? My heart is heavy that it almost felt like it doesn't want to beat anymore. My head is, well, unorganized. Cluttered with the what-ifs and it's now reaching the point where it's rational to start a morally wrong blame game. My body refused to take enough liquid and food to keep everyday thing going.
Where will this lead me?! :(. God, grace me with some strength in this trial time.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Deception (it's not a sequel of Inception)
I read the book that everybody perhaps has read (I know I am a little way to belated), the best-seller 'The Tipping Point' by Malcolm Gladwell. It's an interesting book, intelligently argued while I don't agree to some of his points I seen as more market-driven. But my opinion aside, it's a well researched book. So today's entry will be about one point that Gladwell raise in his famous book that caught my brain wired a little longer.
Little things can start an epidemic. In his book, his clear example was fare-dodgers and grafitti vandals are the tipping point of crime rise unabated in NY 2 decades ago. Why such a small (if not petty) crime is responsible for the following and more serious criminal activities in NY remained hard to eradicate, you'll have to get your hands on this book.
Now back to the little things tipping the big turns to follow. I've always been a staunch supporter against corruption. It's not something that I can sit still after witnessing this heinous act. Corruption is equivalent to robbing others their opportunities and options. It's denying them truth.
From the looking glass, I've always believed that the most efficient way to end corruptions is by making things transparent. We hear about it everyday, especially so in Malaysia local newspapers (controlled by the ruling govt) at the national level. And all the talks about here and there... But really, will transparency tip the corruption balance downward when people in power hold dear to the 'tidak apa' attitude? After all, they're the guys who wield the most money, the most vocal voice, and some with hollow cranial cavities.
Comment: 'tsk tsk' and turned a blind eye.
Little things can start an epidemic. In his book, his clear example was fare-dodgers and grafitti vandals are the tipping point of crime rise unabated in NY 2 decades ago. Why such a small (if not petty) crime is responsible for the following and more serious criminal activities in NY remained hard to eradicate, you'll have to get your hands on this book.
Now back to the little things tipping the big turns to follow. I've always been a staunch supporter against corruption. It's not something that I can sit still after witnessing this heinous act. Corruption is equivalent to robbing others their opportunities and options. It's denying them truth.
From the looking glass, I've always believed that the most efficient way to end corruptions is by making things transparent. We hear about it everyday, especially so in Malaysia local newspapers (controlled by the ruling govt) at the national level. And all the talks about here and there... But really, will transparency tip the corruption balance downward when people in power hold dear to the 'tidak apa' attitude? After all, they're the guys who wield the most money, the most vocal voice, and some with hollow cranial cavities.
Comment: 'tsk tsk' and turned a blind eye.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
In love with Linux!
Today has marked the 100 days I've survived without any Windows contacts! I'm one proud girl, yeah! I'm on Ubuntu Lucid Lynx--Linux for human beings!
Lemma 1: Linux for faster computational purposes.
I guess one big reason I've braved myself enough to switch to Linux was for the purpose of the simulations that are widely used by the scientific communities. My research requires a very demanding computational resource. Many if not all physicists around the globe share their research codes and most of them are designed to run in open source platforms. While, I've been a loyal wife to Windows all the way through my younger days in college, I'm finding it very inconvenient to dual boot the two OS when one is good enough (in fact better) to run things that I want. Undeniably, because of my incompetence in techie-stuff I've relied heavily on commercial solvers that have 'expiry date' on them. Once it's past the date, like bad bread, you just can't use them at all. So a safer route for continuing support will be switching to programs that available (and hopefully maintained) and easily coded.
Lemma 2: Linux for AWESOME GUIs.
It's mesmerizing to stare at your monitor, especially when viewing your simulated exciting optics theoretical behaviors (the things that I measured is not in the picture yet). Nuff said.
Lemma 3: The proud command-line user with Linux.
You think typing command on the black screen is cool? Imagine doing that in Linux? That's doubly cool! I'm in the process of abandoning my beloved mouse to do simple things like opening an Internet browser, playing my MP3s on a music player, even watching my movies on a video player. In Linux, all the effort goes as far as opening the terminal (command prompt for Windows users) with Ctrl+Alt+T then type the program that you want to open, like banshee.
Lemma 4: NO more death BLUE screen!
It's about time to forget about the blue screen that appears everytime you've touched something in Windows, and scrambling for installation CD afterwards.
All and all, my experience with Debian based Linux has been rewarding, and it helps me understanding the layers of the complex 'black-box' (where in Windows one would have to go to run, type e.g. regedit) on how a program should run. Well, maybe I should settle being a theoretician instead of an experimenter.
Comment: My history with free open softwares actually started years ago with RedHat and Fedora, but they never last more than 100 days and eventually my enthusiasm fade away because of the non-novice language that they speak. Debian based Linux (Debian, Ubuntu Xubuntu, Kubuntu etc) are good platforms for those who want to migrate from Windows. Plus, helps are abundant and most important of all, it's free!
Lemma 1: Linux for faster computational purposes.
I guess one big reason I've braved myself enough to switch to Linux was for the purpose of the simulations that are widely used by the scientific communities. My research requires a very demanding computational resource. Many if not all physicists around the globe share their research codes and most of them are designed to run in open source platforms. While, I've been a loyal wife to Windows all the way through my younger days in college, I'm finding it very inconvenient to dual boot the two OS when one is good enough (in fact better) to run things that I want. Undeniably, because of my incompetence in techie-stuff I've relied heavily on commercial solvers that have 'expiry date' on them. Once it's past the date, like bad bread, you just can't use them at all. So a safer route for continuing support will be switching to programs that available (and hopefully maintained) and easily coded.
Lemma 2: Linux for AWESOME GUIs.
It's mesmerizing to stare at your monitor, especially when viewing your simulated exciting optics theoretical behaviors (the things that I measured is not in the picture yet). Nuff said.
Lemma 3: The proud command-line user with Linux.
You think typing command on the black screen is cool? Imagine doing that in Linux? That's doubly cool! I'm in the process of abandoning my beloved mouse to do simple things like opening an Internet browser, playing my MP3s on a music player, even watching my movies on a video player. In Linux, all the effort goes as far as opening the terminal (command prompt for Windows users) with Ctrl+Alt+T then type the program that you want to open, like banshee.
Lemma 4: NO more death BLUE screen!
It's about time to forget about the blue screen that appears everytime you've touched something in Windows, and scrambling for installation CD afterwards.
All and all, my experience with Debian based Linux has been rewarding, and it helps me understanding the layers of the complex 'black-box' (where in Windows one would have to go to run, type e.g. regedit) on how a program should run. Well, maybe I should settle being a theoretician instead of an experimenter.
Comment: My history with free open softwares actually started years ago with RedHat and Fedora, but they never last more than 100 days and eventually my enthusiasm fade away because of the non-novice language that they speak. Debian based Linux (Debian, Ubuntu Xubuntu, Kubuntu etc) are good platforms for those who want to migrate from Windows. Plus, helps are abundant and most important of all, it's free!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Some like it hot!
On the account of this entry being posted on the 53rd anniversary of the Merdeka Day, Salam Merdeka, Malaysiaku!
In my humblest opinion, this year joyous celebration (albeit moderate one) is appropriate. It gives you a sense of pride without the excessive, over the top parade and all. I think I like it better this way, similar to my taste of my daily dosage of green tea drinks.
Now, the art of tea making is the seeping of the tea leaves. You just need the right amount of time dedicated for your brewed tea drinks. Of the most important ones is of course the quality of your tea leaves. Japanese green tea in particular can be very different in flavor despite the greenish colored tea. One of the highest quality (and highly valued) tea leaves is called Gyokuro. As I've just learnt, apparently the tea trees are put under the shade before harvesting. Such tender loving care gives the mild, yet bursting flavor of this tea making it quite distinct from the others.
Identically, similar analog can be drawn to what we as Malaysians celebrate today. That to be a highly valued nation, sought after and well respected, we must be shaded from 'privileged races beliefs', 'racial slurs' and 'religious bigots' amongst all other devastating ultimatums. Problems that facing us at our homeland today are borne out of our nation ignorance collectively. You can easily provide a statistical data on the country cleanliness by just sitting at the side of a busy road where humans can simply target spit where you sit. It's that disgusting, and if problem as small as this cannot be rectified immediately we can almost forget about the having our universities topping the TIMES chart.
And while we're at that, perhaps I should ask if our 'space tourist' experimental data obtained from the tax-payers funded flights (to and fro) to the outer space are available for citation by now. I've not come across them in Nature or Science yet, so if any of us have read it kindly direct me the link.
Comment: I'm cynical about what we've achieved actually. I'm acerbic. I like it hot. Oh! I forgot... Our 'astronaut' is so engrossed with his upcoming grand wedding!
In my humblest opinion, this year joyous celebration (albeit moderate one) is appropriate. It gives you a sense of pride without the excessive, over the top parade and all. I think I like it better this way, similar to my taste of my daily dosage of green tea drinks.
Now, the art of tea making is the seeping of the tea leaves. You just need the right amount of time dedicated for your brewed tea drinks. Of the most important ones is of course the quality of your tea leaves. Japanese green tea in particular can be very different in flavor despite the greenish colored tea. One of the highest quality (and highly valued) tea leaves is called Gyokuro. As I've just learnt, apparently the tea trees are put under the shade before harvesting. Such tender loving care gives the mild, yet bursting flavor of this tea making it quite distinct from the others.
Identically, similar analog can be drawn to what we as Malaysians celebrate today. That to be a highly valued nation, sought after and well respected, we must be shaded from 'privileged races beliefs', 'racial slurs' and 'religious bigots' amongst all other devastating ultimatums. Problems that facing us at our homeland today are borne out of our nation ignorance collectively. You can easily provide a statistical data on the country cleanliness by just sitting at the side of a busy road where humans can simply target spit where you sit. It's that disgusting, and if problem as small as this cannot be rectified immediately we can almost forget about the having our universities topping the TIMES chart.
And while we're at that, perhaps I should ask if our 'space tourist' experimental data obtained from the tax-payers funded flights (to and fro) to the outer space are available for citation by now. I've not come across them in Nature or Science yet, so if any of us have read it kindly direct me the link.
Comment: I'm cynical about what we've achieved actually. I'm acerbic. I like it hot. Oh! I forgot... Our 'astronaut' is so engrossed with his upcoming grand wedding!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Bending time..
I was just strolling down the park the other day when I witness the magic of spring...
Often, the everyday of my life consists of jogging up and down to school, trying to finish whatever I've left in the lab last night, have a light lunch and a nice couple of cups of tea, then continue with piling up works in the lab again before finally calling it a day around 8-9 pm. Well, you might as well say I've a very uneventful life and sometime I've to agree upon that myself.
Now, what inspire me jotting down my thoughts on this blog tonight was this recent occasion in which I looked up on the dull, bald stretch of oak trees on the way to school that filled me with vigors that I've longed for quite sometime. Yes, I saw little green cuticles sprouting off those branches that made me stopped and marveled at the sheer magic of it. How can I be so ignorant all this while?
It brings to one thing that I think especially resonate with my situation so far: that I've never been thankful of each of the failure I've encountered in my research work, that without each one of it I would never know how to get at least one thing right. Is it a wonder that we, frail human beings, seek solace and happiness in only the triumph of victory? How do we bend time to make it last longer?
Comment: Thomas Edison famous quote, ".. at least I know a thousand ways of how not to light a bulb", cannot be anything but the honest truth of one's reflection of the mother of success, failure.
Often, the everyday of my life consists of jogging up and down to school, trying to finish whatever I've left in the lab last night, have a light lunch and a nice couple of cups of tea, then continue with piling up works in the lab again before finally calling it a day around 8-9 pm. Well, you might as well say I've a very uneventful life and sometime I've to agree upon that myself.
Now, what inspire me jotting down my thoughts on this blog tonight was this recent occasion in which I looked up on the dull, bald stretch of oak trees on the way to school that filled me with vigors that I've longed for quite sometime. Yes, I saw little green cuticles sprouting off those branches that made me stopped and marveled at the sheer magic of it. How can I be so ignorant all this while?
It brings to one thing that I think especially resonate with my situation so far: that I've never been thankful of each of the failure I've encountered in my research work, that without each one of it I would never know how to get at least one thing right. Is it a wonder that we, frail human beings, seek solace and happiness in only the triumph of victory? How do we bend time to make it last longer?
Comment: Thomas Edison famous quote, ".. at least I know a thousand ways of how not to light a bulb", cannot be anything but the honest truth of one's reflection of the mother of success, failure.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Courage that's chickening out!
Well, in the past week I've been extremely busy with stuff that I think I should be busy with. The life of a student! You wouldn't expect less than that, would you?
So let me tell you 2 stories of my own, that have recently happened to me in real life...
1) Callous morning call : It happened this morning. Woke up in daze. Blinked one two times and jumped out of the bed. Planning to brush my teeth before hitting on the shower. Lo and behold! I can't find my toothbrush anywhere on the, next to, above the face basin! And I thought..where did it go?? I was certain I left it there last night before off to bed. I live alone, and I don't believe in ghosts works on shifting stuff in my domain! I search high and low, concentrating more on the basin area. 5 mins passed, and it's still nowhere to be seen!! I was furious..like..really mad that I actually lost my toothbrush in the duration of my sleep! Well, I quickly accepted that today is going to be a horrible one-off to school without brushing my teeth. Just make sure you shut your mouth all the time, I cursed myself. Oh I can't!! I've some lab tutoring to do in like.. 40 mins!! Screw this.. Got in to the shower tub, took the sponge and was dabbing the soap onto it just in time waaallla.. here's my toothbrush looking at me! Gosh.. whatever happened to the lapsed memories I've from last night to this morning! It's not stupidity--it's memory loss!
2) Nightmares in numbers : Happened a few times actually, especially so when I'm in the middle of analyzing data measurements period. But these recent dreams came when I'm still working out the theoretical portion of my work. I'm meant to write never-ending codes, debug them and make sure they, above all, work for previous published data. That's what I've been bogged down into these past 2-3 months. Ok, so after a tiring, unproductive day at school, the next thing you'd like to do is hit the bed and fall into a deep slumber! Instead, I was horrified that there are nights when I actually see myself in my dreams writing bullet-proof working codes solving problems that I've been wanting to solve since last week or so. Whenever I get these types of dreams, I just have to get up and find a pencil to note down just what I've just seen in my dreams as quickly as possible before I lose them! Yeah, I'm that desperate for a miracle! Surprisingly, some of these codes do work good, sometimes they're just plain useless because I'm just clueless as to what I've scribbled down on the sticky notes.
Comment: I believe smart people don't get their intelligence from their genes or miracles of some sort. Ordinary people who worked hard with what interests them are the prerequisite of endowment of faculty of reasoning gift.
So let me tell you 2 stories of my own, that have recently happened to me in real life...
1) Callous morning call : It happened this morning. Woke up in daze. Blinked one two times and jumped out of the bed. Planning to brush my teeth before hitting on the shower. Lo and behold! I can't find my toothbrush anywhere on the, next to, above the face basin! And I thought..where did it go?? I was certain I left it there last night before off to bed. I live alone, and I don't believe in ghosts works on shifting stuff in my domain! I search high and low, concentrating more on the basin area. 5 mins passed, and it's still nowhere to be seen!! I was furious..like..really mad that I actually lost my toothbrush in the duration of my sleep! Well, I quickly accepted that today is going to be a horrible one-off to school without brushing my teeth. Just make sure you shut your mouth all the time, I cursed myself. Oh I can't!! I've some lab tutoring to do in like.. 40 mins!! Screw this.. Got in to the shower tub, took the sponge and was dabbing the soap onto it just in time waaallla.. here's my toothbrush looking at me! Gosh.. whatever happened to the lapsed memories I've from last night to this morning! It's not stupidity--it's memory loss!
2) Nightmares in numbers : Happened a few times actually, especially so when I'm in the middle of analyzing data measurements period. But these recent dreams came when I'm still working out the theoretical portion of my work. I'm meant to write never-ending codes, debug them and make sure they, above all, work for previous published data. That's what I've been bogged down into these past 2-3 months. Ok, so after a tiring, unproductive day at school, the next thing you'd like to do is hit the bed and fall into a deep slumber! Instead, I was horrified that there are nights when I actually see myself in my dreams writing bullet-proof working codes solving problems that I've been wanting to solve since last week or so. Whenever I get these types of dreams, I just have to get up and find a pencil to note down just what I've just seen in my dreams as quickly as possible before I lose them! Yeah, I'm that desperate for a miracle! Surprisingly, some of these codes do work good, sometimes they're just plain useless because I'm just clueless as to what I've scribbled down on the sticky notes.
Comment: I believe smart people don't get their intelligence from their genes or miracles of some sort. Ordinary people who worked hard with what interests them are the prerequisite of endowment of faculty of reasoning gift.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Would you marry the same person again?
In a heartbeat.
But how'd you know if this person is the right one for you?
I guess I'll never know. I mean while you're married to this nice lad, why would you hesitate to say I do again in a breeze?
What about your wishful thinking?
Lets see.. Mine is walking hand in hand with this same old person in the park, maybe with some trotting dogs, in 50 years time from now. I'd have only two options to make it comes true: 1) Stick around a little longer enjoying this person company, or 2) Stay healthy and survive until that time is up. Obviously, the latter is out of my control (you know anything can happen to you unexpectedly) so I'm left with one option only: Be more patience with this person!
Tell me about all the pain you've to endure to get along with!?
It's possible to experience frustration and disappointments along the way, but it's not always constantly that. You've beautiful moments that you'd never trade the world for what each of them worth for. The likes of breakfast on bed, the act of bringing you pills for your headache, the arms that always hug you during your down time, the smile in the crowd cheering for you in your most defining moments. That's why they've a saying in English of "my better half". They may never complete you, but they can make you whole and that's what a better half should do.
What if you're not satisfied with just being together? What if you want more in your life?
I've read somewhere before that one should let the little bird flies and it's the only way one will know this bird will come back home. Don't be afraid to let go. If you want something more than anything, and your better half lets you have it you know that you owe it to him. And if he doesn't, then you know he owes you a reasonable length of explaining to do.
Again, how do you he's the one?
I don't know if he's the one at the first instance. I cannot predict the future by the first sighting. In time, it becomes more like faith. When you asked one person if God is there to listen to your everyday prayer, we don't know for sure. We can only have a little more faith each and every day. So, if you've faith in a person, then you know hopes are there to support you and love is always around to nourish you.
But how'd you know if this person is the right one for you?
I guess I'll never know. I mean while you're married to this nice lad, why would you hesitate to say I do again in a breeze?
What about your wishful thinking?
Lets see.. Mine is walking hand in hand with this same old person in the park, maybe with some trotting dogs, in 50 years time from now. I'd have only two options to make it comes true: 1) Stick around a little longer enjoying this person company, or 2) Stay healthy and survive until that time is up. Obviously, the latter is out of my control (you know anything can happen to you unexpectedly) so I'm left with one option only: Be more patience with this person!
Tell me about all the pain you've to endure to get along with!?
It's possible to experience frustration and disappointments along the way, but it's not always constantly that. You've beautiful moments that you'd never trade the world for what each of them worth for. The likes of breakfast on bed, the act of bringing you pills for your headache, the arms that always hug you during your down time, the smile in the crowd cheering for you in your most defining moments. That's why they've a saying in English of "my better half". They may never complete you, but they can make you whole and that's what a better half should do.
What if you're not satisfied with just being together? What if you want more in your life?
I've read somewhere before that one should let the little bird flies and it's the only way one will know this bird will come back home. Don't be afraid to let go. If you want something more than anything, and your better half lets you have it you know that you owe it to him. And if he doesn't, then you know he owes you a reasonable length of explaining to do.
Again, how do you he's the one?
I don't know if he's the one at the first instance. I cannot predict the future by the first sighting. In time, it becomes more like faith. When you asked one person if God is there to listen to your everyday prayer, we don't know for sure. We can only have a little more faith each and every day. So, if you've faith in a person, then you know hopes are there to support you and love is always around to nourish you.
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